Lost in the adventure

My last posting was in August, 2010. I am not sure where I am right now. I am lost, that is for sure. I have looked for answers from my friends, guidance but the truth is, I am the one with the answer even though my answer, is no solution at all.

I know I am isolating myself without meaning to because of this adventure I decided to enter. It was supposed to be fun and temporary and inconsequential but it turned out to serious and permanent. I guess, we do not think of the consequences until it is to late. A lot of people can get hurt and some people will get hurt no matter what.

I am divided between the guilty this is bringing me and the pleasure I feel by living this adventure. When did life become so complicated? I was once this 16 year old with all these plans and dreams and strengths. I though I could do anything. I am 50 years old and I have accomplished nothing of what I thought I would do. As a matter of fact, I have done all that I had swore I was not going to do. I am married with a man who has a horrible temper, I have two children I am sure I did not do the best job raising and no career to account for.

I know what I have and want to do but the time is not here yet and so, I move on trying to make the best of what I have right now until the sun rises on the day I will be able to set me free.

Can we get better?

Looking around me I see most of my friends very content in their marriages. Fe and Be just celebrated 35 years together and they seem happy. They had a rough time many years ago but all that is over now and they relate so well. They do not get upset with each other in that angry way that says, "I cannot stand you anymore."

S and B had a time when they did not do anything together but after going through some difficult time with daughter M, they came together and now they rarely do anything separate from each other. Case after case, I see people who has gone trough ups and downs but has mange to come out of that with a stronger relationship. This makes me happy because it always so much better to see your friends happy but it makes me sad because I am not one of them and I am not sure I will ever be in that position.

Luiz and I fight all the time for the smallest thing which is making my son's life miserable. I am constantly trying to understand why is so and this is what I came up with: couple of years ago I have decided to change. I am a very difficult person with a horrible temper who has lost quite a bit because of this temper. I decided to educate me temper in a way that makes me feel better about myself and it makes people want to be around me. I want to look at the world and think that it is mostly good with some rough spots. What I see in my husband is exactly the opposite. He thinks the world is mean and if he is not careful, people will take advantage of him. It is very difficult to live with someone who is angry most of the time.

Also, our relationship is based on me having all the patience and him having none or little. If he is angry, I have to calm him down. If I am angry, he screams at me. Well, my patience is also short and so we argue all the time. A day does not go by when we do not have a fight over something. I am also not sure if I want to go and do therapy again. The results are always temporary, They never last. We get along for a couple of months and then it starts again and every time, gets worse.

I am at a cross road right now: do I give another try by going to therapy or do I just let it go as is until the day I had enough and we go our separate way? Not sure what to do.

The freedom to be

When I left my house last night, I did not want to come back. After 25 years of marriage my relationship is getting more and more difficult and cold. I left without wanting to go anywhere. I just want to be far from him and the disagreement. Going out, it turned out, was a good thing. It cleared my head and made me realize a couple of things. As time passes and our relationship becomes more and more difficult, I feel less and less tied to a marriage I once wanted with all my heart. The same way, the fact that my children are growing, with one of them already completely independent, is slowly but surely releasing me from the responsibilities of parenthood. What will hold me down after both my children are independent? nothing, I suppose.

Yesterday, if it wasn't for my 15 year old son still at home, I could have driven all the way to Florida and spend a couple of days with my friend Katia. From there I could fly to Angola and stay a couple of weeks with my sister. I could even get a job there and stay which would make her very happy. I could go back to Brazil and start taking care of my mom who will need someone living with her in a couple of years. So, if you give up the status quo, the cars, the house, the clothes and cell phones and all that ties you down, you can live a pretty free life. Maybe not a comfortable life by the American standards but a life where you can have enough to live a good life. As time goes by, things get clearer and in place in my head. Now I know I am not here to stay. I just don't know when I am leaving.......

Family Time..... diinner time

I have many good memories from my childhood. I was born at the coast of Brazil in a city called Ilheus and the beaches there are amazing. Playing time in the afternoon meant going to the beach and play in the water with my friends for hours. I remember fishing crabs at 9 pm with my dad and getting home by 11pm. My mom would have a boiling pan ready for us to cook the crabs and eat them right there and then. It was FRESH from the sea, for real. One thing I did not have though was family meals. My mother never sat with us. She cooked everything, delicious meals but always had an excuse not to sit and eat with us. She was not hungry; she had things to do etc.

From the time I started dating my husband, meal time, has always being almost sacred time. We had to sit down at the dining room table, food all served in plates and not pans, serve each person and then start eating and talking. When we had our first child, Tarsis, we added her to the table as soon as she could sit in the high chair. It did not matter she would make a mess. She was part of the deal and we were happy to have her making those baby noises. As she grew up, she went from the high chair to booster chair to regular chair. We would go around the table and everyone had a chance to talk about their day. What went wrong, what was good and exciting and that prompted so many wonderful discussions about politics, economics, the world, cultures and so on and so forth. After seven years we got a new addition, our son, Victor and at some point, he was there sitting in his chair telling us how school went, how he was happy because of this and that and how the kids bugged him etc.

My dining room table has being the stage of so many wonderful diners, where we spent as long as hour and a half talking about just about anything we want. Then, the expected but not prepared for because there is no preparation for this, happened. My daughter went to college and something went missing in our diners. Chemistry was not the same. We all missed her terribly. Diners got short. We all ate and went our way to do something. As my son grew and became this wonderful teenager, a new chemistry brew and here we are, having fun at diner all over again. It took us almost 4 years but it is here again, I can feel it. We play with each other, we make fun of each other in a good healthy way. It is different from when Tarsis was here but it just as good. I am grateful after our diners because I realize how much we love and like each other. How much we enjoy ourselves and the food we prepare and the conversation. I know I will have to start all over again in 3 years when Victor goes to college but for now, I am enjoying it as much as I can.

Stress release

Everyone has to release the stress or frustration one way or another. A lot of people like to run or exercise or watch TV. I like to write about the things that bothers me. I like to write about the customer service who was rude and did not answer my questions, or about the doctor who only had 5 minutes for me after I waited for more than one hour to see him. I am not exactly how this can help other people but I know it will help me because there is so much you can tell your friends. There is so much they will understand. There is no so much of you feelings you can pass along to them without becoming boring or making them avoid you.

I have friends. Wonderful friends! Friends that have helped me through many things. I also have my family. I am just talking about my husband and kids. My sisters are among my best friends as well as my sister-in-law. Still, at some point you almost want to talk to yourself or to the world out there. Maybe someone goes through the same and can emphasize and feel good just by reading this. Most likely it will be just for my own good. Sorry world. I am guess I am part of the ME generation.